Something Real

Dear Dia,

I love you.

What does this mean to you, coming from me?

Do you know what it means to me in our current situation?
Absolutely nothing. I don’t know you.

I love you as a true friend unconditionally. I love those others the same.  What is your idea of true love? 

Is it the same as mine? What is mine?

I put in a notice today at work. I’m going to tear down my computer and put the components on eBay. Gonna sell my virtual reality system. My possessions will be scaled down to bare bones, and then I’m getting on the road to see the east coast, then I don’t know where I’ll land during my upcoming travelling homeless stint.

Am I driven by a desire to get that emotional payload from you? No. I need nothing from you. I live my dreams through you. You are giving more than I could hope for.

What about you? What do you need from me out of all this? Do you want me to shout your name on the rooftops that I love you more than anyone or anything, acting out those songs you sing on Instagram? A storied concept of love for another? Would this make you happy? Would this love last? How does that Ben Gibbard song go again?

Vicci and I were never right for each other.

I’d never be good enough for Lindsey or her Mormon family.

Would a storyful consummation of my obsessed love for these two at the apex of infatuation change the inevitable doomed-to-fail outcome?

Then what good are these emotions and longings and this infatuation tied to a story? They’re illusions. They’re not real. If I don’t learn the lessons now, I never will. They’re a test. I aim to pass that test, even if it means not winning anything. 

This aloofness is necessary. Remember the November 17, 2017 tweet? 

Two were left behind. Only one remains!

If you haven’t figured it out by now, it’s a riddle. I didn’t know this riddle was in my tweet when I composed it in under a minute– it just came out this way and I discovered the hidden meanings a few days later. Take my word for it. The initial intention I had behind this tweet is obvious. The inner meanings I’d find later were exhilarating. 

The punctuation marks indicate how to arrange it based on symmetry of the bar between two dots.

TWO WERE LEFT BEHIND  .
ONLY ONE REMAINS  !

There are two parts to each sentence.

TWO WERE  || LEFT BEHIND .
ONLY ONE    || REMAINS !

TWO ←  ONE
ONLY → WERE

The “L” is on the left. It’s in the word “left”, and again on the left to boot. The “R” is on the right, except in the word “remains”, where it is on the other side and on the left. Why did I interpret these “L’s” as the universe intending it to mean “Lindsey”? Why did I think it revealed that in the future I would “leave behind” the “D”, as in my last name and take hers, like some kind of soyboy? 

You know what? I didn’t interpret it accurately because I didn’t want to accept any other way of looking at it due to the fact I was blinded by infatuation, bias, and fear. Look at it again. The two “left behind” are “L”, “FT”, and “D”; the only one that remains is “R”. You know — as in Rahmat —  all by my lonesome. Also in 2019; as the nineteenth letter is “S”. 

See? Way more of a complete correspondence than what we went with originally. I need to adjust my attitude towards y’all to keep a clear vision. I’m doing my best here all by myself!

Loving you, baby,
RS (as in Rahmat in 2019. Or Stirlingite. HA! Love ya, Lensy)

P.S.: See you in Boston. Hang out later?

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