Gilbert Cartograstrology

I’m not one to crush on celebrities. I only love certain ones because they love me. How do I know they know me? I check the map! Here’s another piece of the story, for blog’s sake.

Yesterday was November 17, and I tend to get nostalgic around this time of year. 2017 was memorable because I discovered that the big secret eluding me all these years was right before my eyes, and I missed it simply because I wouldn’t “look”. When I did finally look and found out the big secret, I figured that Lindsey must have a connection to her town’s streets like I have with mine, because this mirroring phenomenon of city streets would establish a motive behind her stealing my artwork every chance she gets all these years. Funny thing is, ever since then I was so confident in how the pieces all fit together in my head that I didn’t even take the five minutes necessary to “check the back of the textbook” like you would a school assignment to verify that I was onto something by opening up maps and making observations to confirm what I already knew. I just assumed there was this connection and took it on faith.  

That is, until yesterday. November 17 when I finally looked at it!

I was flying around in Google Maps VR and decided that it was as good a time as ever to further expose my vulnerability, so I took a look at Gilbert, Arizona. I mean, I can’t even tune the goshdanged Pandora radio to Seven Lions while DoorDashing without a song of Lindsey or Dia’s coming on and reminding me of all this. I still like EDM as I always have since the 90s, so why don’t you all just leave me alone!

So here it is: the Tacoma-Gilbert cartograstrology connection, only this time I want you to do it with me. These are pretty much the protocols I used to make observations of Lindsey’s hometown yesterday. These will quiz your knowledge from previous posts!

  • Open maps and look at Tacoma. See how I-5 makes a “step” by going north-south and then turning and going east-west? Now open another window in your browser and go to Gilbert. Where do you see that same “step”?
  • In Tacoma, see how the flow of terrain and the orientation of the Narrows bridge flows in a diagonal line across the map towards Mt. Rainier? Are there any diagonal lines in Gilbert worth noting? (Remember that lamp in her music video?)
  • Aha! A railroad makes a diagonal line through Gilbert and intersects that “step” highway, 202L, on Ray road. When I discovered this junction, I pegged it as the mirror to the I-5 and Center streets in Tacoma. 
  • Now, where would you establish the “streets of significance” in cartograstrological terms? Well, if you follow the railroad northwest from the junction I just identified, you’ll see that it approaches a major intersection at Superstition Freeway and highway 87. That highway is already looking like the Gilbert mirror to Pearl street in Tacoma. This would make the next arterial street over the mirror to my Orchard street, so McQueens road is “Orchard street.” Simple so far, right? 
  • Now if you’re really paying attention, what else do you notice? What happens north and south of Elliot road? Yup, this street is the dividing line between north and south street addresses, just like 6th ave in Tacoma. There is your mirror. 
  • Following this pattern, where would you guess her high school could be if it were mirroring the location of my own high school in Tacoma (Wilson High)?

There is only one place her high school could be if the cartograstrology is legit and that is exactly where it is. Magic? No. Science! Atheists might say that taking things on faith is dumb. Who’s the dummies now! Sorry to rattle your paradigm, my godless friends, but there is such a thing as a practical application of faith that is not plain erring. Learn.

Admittedly when I set out to check Lindsey’s map yesterday, I followed the railroad from the junction in VR to where it intersects with S Lindsay road and street viewed my way to the Elliot intersection. There is where I noticed the “000” street address on the signpost. I stopped there and said to myself, “Okay, this is probably her church and Gilbert High is probably her high school. Satisfied with my prediction, I opened her wikipedia and found that it was, in fact, Mesquite High and not Gilbert High, and I sighed to myself, “dang it! I got it wrong!” I got the arterials right, though. I also saw the L-shape that her streets make with respect to her Junior High and temple.

Sad that I have to leave this behind. Would make a great story of a celebrity and a nobody coming together under seemingly magical circumstances with plenty of meaningful arcs.

I guess I’ll just take the piety and humiliation.